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May we find our only tears to be those of joy

Friday, March 28, 2014

(so a little update - after the fact - and after a cheeseburger and chocolate malt to calm my nerves.  I did not spend the evening crying in case you were worried.  Instead I had dinner with a sweet 12 year old and thanked God for the moments of love still in there.  Because I know he can turn on me at any time as well... enter the teen spirit.  But I know that despite the immediate worries that parenting sometimes brings, there is a longer view that I have to take.  And I have to remember that just like me, these kids are a work in progress. 
And yesterday's conversation with the 13 year old that ended in me pulling the car over to the side of the road and giving him the biggest reason I get frustrated.  I think it went something like this... 

I. WILL. PARENT. YOU. TILL. THE. DAY. I. DIE. LIKE. IT. OR. NOT.  

And maybe he laid in his boy scout tent last night and pondered ways to rush that along a bit faster.  But till then.  I'm here.  And I'm present and accounted for.  And committed.  And .... trying each new day to keep up with the duties of motherhood.  So read along below.  This may be the saddest post EVER.)

I've had a discouraging few days.  And I sit here kinda thinking about crying, but kinda thinking about how I don't want to get all that started. 

And I just sent off 3 of my guys camping for the weekend and that always brings me worry.  Worry for safe travel and worry for whatever else I can worry about. And the last image they saw of me was with red curlers in my hair trying to get ready for a date with the kid that didn't go camping.  (Once my husband passed out cold giving red blood cells and the nurse couldn't wake him up.  And interestingly, the images he heard and saw as he lay there dying were of his niece - not of me.  So I guess I needn't worry about my velcro curlers being his dying thought.)

Rough day at work today.  And for that I'm praying for a sense of peace that right now I just don't have.  And my feelings are hurt.  Because that still happens to adults.  

And I think my 13 year old hates me.  Or at least acts like it.  Or maybe he's just acting like I'm stupid.  I can't really tell the difference.  But gosh it's an uncomfortable place to be.  And once again I'm considering crying.  Maybe right now. 

So y'all, this blog isn't always filled with words of inspiration.  Because they're just my words.  And those can be all over the map as blown around by the storms of my days.  And I like to be a big talker about how we're put in this exact place at this exact time for God's specific purpose.  And in my mind I know that's the real truth.  But the circumstances of my right now are yelling lies super crazy loud at me.  Lies that tell me I don't have a clue what I'm doing. 

And I need help remembering that I can only see part of the story.  The bits and pieces of my last few days.  And somewhere hidden by my running mascara eyes, the truth is there waiting for me.  The truth that even the smallest little bit of myself offered for the glory of God can be turned into something huge.  And good.


For your weekend.   May you feel loved.  May you feel important, trusted and valued.  May you know  worth that comes not from circumstance, but from being exactly who you are - a child of an amazing God that hopes and wants and wishes his all for you.  

May we find our only tears to be those of joy.  

Love to you today.

  

3 comments:

  1. Awe Kristi I wish all the same for you as you have wished us here! Though the trials be temporary, the refining is for eternity! I hope and pray you are able to take the long term view and find some peace this weekend! Parenting teens is not easy ; ) Take some time for you, Mama!

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  2. thank you ma'am. And maybe sending that bad boy off camping with scouts is doing him some good. He loves that stuff, but hoping a little bit of primitive will bring about some thankfulness. And for the record, a good chocolate malt works wonders for the soul. I totally jumped on that remedy Friday night.

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  3. Lies grow bigger than the truth because we let them! Hold fast to God's truth and you will see you are loved beyond your imagination. I truly understand the lies that threaten to become our end instead of the God's truths that should aways be our beginning! Your honesty touched my heart and know as a momma and a blogger, I get it! Visiting your from (in)couraging writers!

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