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My heart of darkness... and in times of chaos, a violent streak

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Yesterday I sat on the school playground while kid 3 played. And I kept myself busy texting a friend on the lifelong dilemma of women everywhere... the hypothetical topic of marrying a man that I don't love - but who is proclaiming his love for me - on his death bed.  Would I marry him or not?  
So first a quick fact check.... 
 
1.  Is this happening to me now or going to happen to me soon?
2.  Will the man I don't really love die sooner or later?
3.  What do I get out of the deal?

And based on my research, I totally decided to marry him on the spot.  Because he'll be dying very soon and leaving me his war pension which I could really use to pay for kid 2's braces.  

My heart is obviously filled with darkness.

And just the night before, in the midst of our evening chaos, and as my words came out before I could stop them, I may or may not have made a threatening gesture at my husband with a frying pan.   Followed by a not very nice text later that evening as I continued to harbor my anger. Because I didn't like the look he gave me when he walked in and witnessed the 12th circle of hell in our kitchen. 

Once again, heart of darkness... and in times of family chaos, a violent streak. 

But the worst part is that husband was returning from the grocery store.  With food.  And goodness for our family.  

As a new wife and mom years ago, a wiser woman than I told me that all works well if we can just focus on the hundreds of things our loved ones do well, and over look the few they do wrong.  

So David's response to my meanness?  He replied to my message the next day... I am erasing your less than loving message and writing you a much happier reply.  I love you even when ...........  Have a wonderful day today.   

And I have to wonder how many times each day that a loving God forgives the tons I do wrong, and gives me chance after chance to get it right? 

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