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He has made everything beautiful in it's time... maybe that's beginning to happen...

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Do you ever catch your self scrubbing the bathroom sink every. single. day.  and look in the mirror and exclaim, Holy Cow... I've become my mother...

Which in some ways I totally have.  Which is good.  And in even more ways, I have completely NOT.  Which is even better.  But I think it only fair for me to look for ways I might be like her - so I can mimic the good and avoid the bad.  I'm sure my kids will one day do the same, maybe on the therapist's couch.... But really, because it's just me these days depending on memories to build a story of what was, I want to find some good things to hold onto. 

Turns out that I'm a maniac for a clean house.  Which is just like her.  And I can spend hours piddling around the house doing not much of anything other than this and that.  Sometimes my mom would move the heck out of the furniture.  Maybe just to clean really well.  But maybe because the couch might look better over on that far away wall over there.  I have no idea how she did it, but we could come home at any time and find something relocated, or her with a sand blasting machine and a safety mask blasting away at the brick wall of our den.    

This weekend I've heard and seen lots of Mothers Day sentiments around.  Some for moms still in our lives, some for moms we miss, but not a lot of thoughts for those of us that have moms that are still around - but not really.  

(And for the record, around here.... as of Wednesday my plan was to cancel Mothers Day altogether this year at our house.  Because I thought about pretending I don't have kids.  Just like sometimes they pretend they don't have a mom.  Only time will tell.)  

I've recently thought about writing a letter to my mom.  Thought about it.  Which is as close to doing it as I've ever been.  Because as many of you know, I've been estranged for several years from what family I have remaining.  It was a hard decision to make, but one I was forced to make for me and my kids. 

But time apart and away creates opportunity for many things to happen. Feelings of hurt can linger and grow, or they can fade into the distance of the years.  I'd like to think that many of mine are fading.  And I'd like to think that time has given me space to think and grow in maturity enough to objectively question, discuss and wonder about so many things that were, over the years, too much for me even to look at. 

And time has given me back some memories that up until recently were completely gone.  The kind of memories that I need a few of to know that my mom had some positive influence in my life.  Like her chocolate cake.  I would win the Lifetime Achievement Award of Chocolate Cake Greatness if I could ever make one as good as hers.  

I think I just needed some time to clear out some space for some good to find a home in my heart. 

Maybe that's starting to happen.  



And happiest of Mothers Days to you whether you are a mom or mom at heart.   You are amazing at what you do... 

post script.... I wrote parts of this post weeks ago, maybe it's even been a couple of months.  Since then I've had some reasons to postpone contact with my family.   

So... as the saying goes, One step forward, two steps back.  But being willing to take a step forward is a really good thing. 




3 comments:

  1. Hi Kristi, I love your no-holds-barred look at life and parenting. I may be single with no kids, but I can still relate to what you have to say. I hear that's the mark of a great writer!

    Thanks for speaking to "the third category" of people on Mother's Day. I'm in the same boat, and instead of brunch and a sermon on the Proverbs 31 woman, I'm drinking tea, paying bills, and catching up on favorite TV shows.

    But...I do miss my mum. After years of resentment and depression through difficult circumstances, I knew it was time to distance myself. I hope someday we can pick up the pieces. Nice to know I'm not alone.

    Thanks :)

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  2. You are certainly not alone, my sweet friend. And how I appreciate your words more than you know. The crazy thing is that I miss my mom sometimes too, no matter how bad it was or is every time I try to make contact. I think we're just programmed for need, acceptance and love. And darn it, we should have those things easy and freely from those that are the closest to us, I think. But you and I know and understand that circumstances of both past and present color our relationships to the point that what is supposed to be easy and true, just isn't so much of the time. I'm glad you shared with me today and I love that you found this little place of mine. I hope your day of bill paying and TV watching was the best. I actually need a day like that myself.

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  3. Thanks for replying, Kristi! Full disclosure: it wasn't easy. But I needed it.

    You're right about the programming though, and I think that's the way it should be. Still sucks, but I'd rather know I still crave quality human contact than be apathetic...Alright, I lied, sometimes it would be nice to have less feelings! Hey, at least we know we still wish for the best out of a bad situation.

    Good luck with everything, and keep up the great work!

    God bless.

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