Monday, May 5, 2014

I am hopeful for this young fireman and his recovery. But from a wife's perspective, I am even more hopeful for her.

I went to Walmart today for potato salad for a boy scout pot luck tonight.  My last minute plan is to put the store bought stuff in a pretty bowl, and it call it semi - homemade.  Don't tell anyone.  And as far as potato salad goes at Walmart, there is apparently only the choice of huge or ridiculously huge.  I went with ridiculously huge.  I also bought allergy medicine because kid 1 woke up this morning, after his weekend camping trip, with hives and big lips.  Super big, like he had lip injections big.  But he was still handsome, I assured him.  Just a little more kissable.  

And I worked today - normal schedule.  And worked on some home improvement projects over the weekend.  Making our house a home, and all.

But driving home from work and errands, potato salad in the seat next to me, I had a nagging sense of guilt, because right now - that's the key part - right NOW - my family is fine.  My fireman husband is fine.    Because once again, y'all Dallas Fire made the news.  We have a guy seriously burned and in ICU as I write this.   I don't know him.  But I remember meeting him and his wife and kids on a shared flight home from our summer vacation trip last year.  So now I can put a face with a name, and a wife with the man, and with them, young children that may be far too young right now to understand that daddy works a dangerous job.  

So I do feel a little guilty each time someone asks me, following another incident, if my guy is okay.  And I really want him to be okay.  But when I answer that question, I know someone else is sitting at the hospital hoping to be able to say the same thing soon.  Or even again.   

And I'm also more than a little selfish about it all.  Because I don't spend my days thinking that in a blink of an eye, these guys can be in a no return situation.  I just can't let my days be managed that way.  What I do think of, and probably too often, is how I don't know how I could do all this on my own.  How I could raise these kids on my own.  How I could manage the finances and the house and all the stuff that I enjoy every day having a husband around to help and share with.  

And of course my thoughts go toward how I would tell the boys.  How I would start even the very next day with an all new routine and all new set of demands.  And an all new heartache.  And I think that's the big one.  

Today I am mindful of moments that can change without notice.  Of times together that need to be fully appreciated and taken in.  Times that need to be memorized and held in such detail that if the time ever comes, I can have those memories to hold me through the difficult times.  

I am mindful of families who are not okay.  I am aware of hurt and worry that is very real to those around, but not hanging around my minutes and days counting them till they finally pass.  I am aware that any of that can happen to him, and to me, and to us.  

I am hopeful and even a prayer of lofty prayers that we as firefighter wives never have to worry about getting a phone call or a departmental visit again.  But y'all, those are dreamy prayers, not ones that I think God is really going to answer.  

What he will answer, however, is this.  He will give a sense of peace when needed the most.  He will grant courage and wisdom and the strength to go the next step.  

And I am hopeful for this young fireman and his recovery.  But from a wife's perspective, I am even more hopeful for her.  

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. 
Psalm 56:3

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