Sunday, June 29, 2014

Because in my younger years I didn't think. And I also wore teeny sizes.

Sometimes I get on the blog and wonder why on earth people read this.  Or that.  Especially this.... chapter 114 of Nothing Much Going on Around Here.   I figure people read it for the same reason my mother always read my diary.  This blog really is my diary, after all....and I learned that if someone's gonna sneak around and try as she might to find out some good or not so good stuff, may as well just be an open book.  So I am.  And it is.  The blog.  And thank you for being nosy enough about my life to read all about it.  

Husband just called from the fire station suggesting that I take a look at a house nearby listed for somewhere in the half million range.  Maybe a first hint that he's going crazy.  THAT, and he confused the words ice cream and chicken not long ago.  I've never gotten those two confused.  Yet. 

Then he popped the big news of how he found his dream vacation property in Ben Wheeler, Texas.  And for all you that live in or near Ben Wheeler, I now know where you are and that you are the Wild Hog Capital of Texas.  And more than anything I would like to visit you and learn as much as I can about those hogs.  Husband thinks it would be lovely out there.  We'd even have our own pond.  We'd just have to haul off that old trailer ourselves.  That's part of the deal.  

Have y'all ever heard me mention how big city firemen - I think all of them - eventually get the itch to move to the country?   Buy some land to hunker down away from the ills of the city and just fish a lot.  It's a direct result of what I think must be post traumatic stress from the job.  And I'm not joking about that one.  

But the rest of the story..... the good stuff that you really stopped by to read.... I had a dream last night that my husband and I were sitting on the couch - along with some faceless, shapeless lady - and he was just chatting her up all crazy like.  And maybe I made this part up in my post dream haze, but he may or may not have been rubbing her shoulders.  And in the dream he looked over at me, then at his lady friend, and told her .... not what you might think.... he told her that maybe we shouldn't have such intelligent big word conversations..... so Kristi can talk too.  Weird.  Or maybe sad.  (And to put your mind at rest, know that my mind is already there.  I have no buried fear of my husband rubbing anything that he shouldn't.  And it would be A-OK with me if he uses as  many big words as he likes as long as I don't have to study and prepare to participate.)

But it wasn't the actual dream that stuck with me so much.  It was the fact that I dreamed, again, of something that placed me on the outside of whatever - looking in at something that I wasn't a part of.  Kinda like I felt this week when my oldest turned 14.  Without fanfare.  And almost without me. 

We just sent him off to scout camp this weekend  - with what we think was a head nod.  Not a full goodbye.  And I knew that would happen so I hugged the heck out of him before he left the house.  And he returned the hug with a one arm kind of thing.... like his other arm was missing.  One time in college when I had to do my laundry in the apartment complex laundry room there was a bulletin posted ..... be on the watch for a one arm man approaching women in the laundry room.  Maybe that man gave one arm hugs as well.   Like my son.  

So I guess the real topic of this post is change. And the phases of life.  And how this new chapter of me is a work in progress.  

Today the TV was on in the gym and my mean girl side showed to the world.  When I announced through my headset microphone that Nikki Newman from The Young and the Restless is just too old to still be suffering such anguish.  For gosh sake she's been a prostitute and stripper, joined a cult, and has married and divorced her on screen love, Victor, 4 times in her character's history.  Now I think she's the CEO of some giant cosmetic company, recently discovered a long lost son,  and has taken up needlepoint.  Anyway, I think I said she's looking a little tired from the drama and maybe she should retire and get a dog.  And what it all boiled down to was that I judged miss Nikki and declared her too old for all the nonsense, no matter how pretty she dresses it up.

And later that day as I sat resting by the pool I thought about how someone made me feel a little out of sorts with the same kind of thinking.... Or at least I thought she was thinking some stuff.  With her young college aged eyes and pre baby body.

This week I went shopping for work clothes, workout clothes for me.... when my young sales helper confessed to me her teeny sizes as she handed me mine.  And then she asked me if I teach?  Yes, I teach, young miss.  A little sweatin to the oldies I guess to you.... And I could hardly try on my new beautiful clothes because of the giant chip on my middle aged shoulder at that point.  And bless her, she didn't do anything but act her age - which I did, too, when I was 18.   And as much as I consider myself experienced and accomplished at what I do, I came out feeling like I need a diet and a cane.  But I bought the cutest running skirt anyway.  You should get one.

It's a crazy mixed up world we live in where the healthy, strong and beautiful walk among us but feel insecure and generally icky - for no good reason. Phased out.... put out to pasture in Ben Wheeler, Texas.  To be eaten alive by wild hogs.  

But I know I didn't ask myself at age 18 what I would be like in 30 years.  Or even ask myself what I would want to be like.  And I know at age 14  I probably gave my parents a fair number of fits - and maybe they wanted to cut off one of my arms.  

Not till I got to here did I look around to see who I became.  And not until I had kids of my own - that I hope to give an open minded perspective - did I ever have one myself.  I think.  Because in my younger years I didn't think.  And I also wore teeny sizes.  

And I don't know why I consider all the new changes as a phasing out... why am I not seeing it all as an adding to?  Adding to my resume' of character and experience.  I don't think God looks at each of us and thinks about knowing us back when..... I think he looks at us and thinks about knowing us then and now and forever.  

And I'm waiting for the day when I quit seeing myself through the eyes of others and finally see myself through my own achievements and growth.  But more than anything, I'm waiting on the day that I can finally see myself through the eyes of a God that made me with these exact strengths and flaws and talents.  I'm waiting to see myself as beautifully loved and accepted by the the one who truly should be the only one that matters.  Notice I said waiting.  

So shame on me for doubting myself and questioning stuff that was never a question.  And shame on me for picking on daytime diva Nikki Newman for her life choices.  

To you, Nikki,.... I apologize for my judgmental words today.  You just keep doing what you do in that big ol mansion every day.  Keep wearing beautiful dresses and that gorgeous blonde hair as your crown.  You wear it well. 


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