Monday, August 4, 2014

A big ol polka dotted bird.

So it seems the world is always trying to tell me what to look like and think like and be like.  And to sometimes even be someone else.  Like the traffic ticket that just came in the mail for me saying I ran a red light in another town at 9:24 pm a couple of weeks ago.  In the car that I sold to a man on Craig's List over a month ago.  So if I write about a warrant for my arrest on here anytime soon you'll know why.  Anyway, the traffic camera says it was my car and now I have a Richardson, Texas police record of sorts.  Like kid 1 who climbed the elementary school roof not long ago.  Kindred free spirits. 

And today as I went to work in an adorable outfit that I felt good about, the world,.... one lady in particular,.... made me change my mind and look in the mirror a whole lot closer, as she questioned my looks and confidence all in a few little words.  And made me feel like I wasn't the person I thought I started out being earlier in the day.  Just gonna say it.... people make me mad sometimes.  A lot of times.
I took a picture of this guy recently at a petting zoo.

He was one of a kind.  And his spots (I really didn't ask him)  just may, for him, be a source of pride.  But when I looked at him, I saw him as the only spotted one in the bunch.  And maybe I saw ME. 

Because I have a giant leg bruise from the dishwasher door and the kids have been practicing soccer with a dead bug in the house.  And we ran out of pop tarts -  and that was kinda' the last breakfast choice,  and I considered taking an extra baby aspirin just in case the world brought on a Monday morning heart incident.  And because sometimes I feel like my friend the polka dotted bird in a world full of flawless, unbruised, well stocked pantry birds..... 

I read an article in a local mom magazine... featuring a young 30 something mother who daily eats only grapefruit topped with honey and oatmeal for breakfast, snacks on fresh seasonal fruits and has a perfect go-to salmon recipe she prepares with maple syrup, soy sauce, ginger and garlic.  All this, and she has time for a once a week sugar, coconut oil and lavender essential oil body scrub - that she hand makes herself.  

And I have a bag of frozen chicken thawing in the sink..... with no particular plan.

And I felt my spots grow bigger and bigger.  Loud and colorful in a world telling me to hide anything resembling imperfection.  Telling me that I'm not Pinterest worthy, that I'm not organized enough, and that I can't make the boys' bathroom quit smelling like that.

Kid 1 came home from school one day last year and told me he thinks I packed him the wrong lunch.... because the crusts were cut off his sandwich.  Silly boy.  They forget all the cookie cutter shaped sandwiches of their preschool years - because time has taken its toll and we've become a more primitive people.  Animals really.

And it seems kid 3 has been enjoying my calcium chews.  Chocolate flavor.  And he informed me today that he thinks we should've taken big brother to the mental hospital a long time ago.  And my oldest two recently took required career placement tests at school and the results are in - kid 1 will grow up to be a tow truck driver and kid 2 will be roustabout.  A traveling carnival worker.... like in the old Elvis movie.  And to think we've been saving for college since their births.

Bigger and bigger spots showing again.  But the voice of truth is this - that I'm giving it all I have.

I scrub that toilet till it shines, even if the smell keeps coming back.  And I keep volunteering for things even though my work may not get pinned to someone's page.  And I still keep cooking and cleaning and folding and driving, and reading and washing, and going, ..... and for what?  For them.  And for us.  And for the world that needs these boys to come from this mom and this family, just the way we are.  Because they have jobs to do and things to accomplish and decisions to make and lives to impact.... just by growing and  becoming  - THEM - the sons of an imperfect  polka dotted mom in a world full of unspotted ones.

And really, I'm a really big talker.  I like to speak praise and confidence and self esteem to my kids.    But until my boys see me acting like I mean what I say, they have no reason to listen.  I want them to be secure and confident and mostly, content.  Happy with where they are and who they are.  But I see it every day that a kid of mine thinks he's not as good a soccer player as someone else, or another kid is learning the french horn faster, .... and I see that my words of encouragement for them are empty till I can say good things about my own abilities and accomplishments.  Until I find that confidence that I have never seemed to really grasp, how can I grow it in them?

So here's a goal.... for me mostly, but for their benefit.  To not openly point out that God must've been crazy to give me this job.   To not openly point out that the house isn't perfectly photo shoot ready.  To not openly point out that I wish I could be crafty and creative and extremely fashionable - with flatter abs.  To not openly show that I'm really an insecure girl in a grown up body looking to the world for approval. 

Maybe the voice of truth for my kids comes from a mom that doesn't spend as much time praising her kids so much as she spends her time speaking confidence about herself and others.  And maybe the voice of truth that I need to be praying for me, and for them, is the real truth - the voice of a God that  speaks loudly enough to drown out the noise of the world  - so loud that even the hardest heart can't ignore.

The truth that God sees and knows us - even me, spots and all - and never looks away.    

No matter what the rest of the world sees. 

Would you like to comment?

  1. Christi Harris-LazaroAugust 4, 2014 at 4:00 PM

    Kristi, once again I loved reading your blog. You make me laugh and sometimes even cry because I can relate to so many things you have written. I for one, think your a beautiful lady. who always looks great...and I think you're a wonderful mom. l can tell just by looking at your boys and I can see how much love you have for them just from your writing...and your home is beautiful! Sometimes being the one that stands out with polka dots or whatever isn't a bad thing, it makes you different and to me that's a good thing because who wants to do things the same or look the same as everyone else. The world certainly has a way of making you feel that everything and everyone should do things a certain way. Keep doing things the way you want. The only approval you need is from your family and God and I think you have that. Keep up the good work!!

    1. Christie, I am so glad for the times you join me on the blog and read along. Thank you for such thoughtful words. Now my turn,.... you have a devotion to your kids like no other. And THAT, my friend is beauty in its highest form. How true it is that beauty and value come in all different shapes and sizes. And I am still trying to take that to heart even now. And I so appreciate reminders and encouragement from friends to keep me in that frame of mind.

  2. I needed to hear this today Aunt Kristy!! I love the open honest viewpoints and how you seem to just make it all flow beautifully. Mom's of multuple kiddos are quite the hero's and you are my fav :)

    1. You , my dear, are a genuine mom-cape wearing super hero ..... with all you've conquered and climbed in your days as a mother. I am forever impressed with your strength, courage and perseverance as each day seems to just be a new adventure for you to figure out.
      I am so very glad you read along here with me.

  3. As I sit here on my couch full of unfolded laundry and a sink full of dishes waiting for me with more on the table because the counter top is loaded with "stuff" I'm glad to take a moment to read your inspiration! You are amazing and have such a gift for writing. And there are so many judgmental people out there who expect us to look just so or have houses ready for company at the drop of a hat! Thank you so much for your honesty and helping us keep things in perspective! Your sons are blessed to have you as their momma and I think you are doing a fabulous job - with all the many hats you wear!

  4. oh my goodness.... so sweet of you to say these things, and even funnier how you mention the expectation of having the home sweet home ready for drop in company at a moment's notice. Maybe even with a go-to salmon recipe already prepared. Our drop in guests happened around these parts last week - twice, count them twice I say. The first time I kept them standing on the front porch for fear of naked boys running free in the house. The second visit I had a kid already in pajamas at the crazy hour of 6pm - as we live large around here for the summer - so we stood on our driveway. Not much of a hostess, I suppose, but man do my kids feel right at home in our house. That's gotta be worth something. Thank you so much for reading. Love that you did.


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