Saturday, July 25, 2015

I dreamed last night that I went to Walmart in my pajamas

I dreamed last night that I went to Walmart in my pajamas to buy some light bulbs and a bag of ice.  And Kid 2 was wandering lost in the parking lot but later found me in the plant section using a bag of dirt as a table to lean on while I put in my contacts.  Which is just weird.  And if you think this is at all interesting, your summer is going a bit too slow. 

The fact is that we do indeed need light bulbs.  And Kid 1 was just fussing before bed about how dark our house was as he tried to read a Harry Potter book off his little phone.  And I do need some contact lens solution which can also be found at Walmart so there's that.  But I do not currently need a bag of ice.  

This week our power started slowly fading into oblivion which turned out to be two extremely important fuses going out.  And of course with husband at the fire station and Home Depot minutes from closing.  So yes, at that point I considered many uses for a bag of ice.  I also packed an overnight bag for a hotel, but Fireman Dave ran home to the rescue at the last minute.  I thought he ran home out of concern for his family's discomfort on a hot summer night, but I was confusing business with pleasure in that one.  Turns out if those fuses kept making things run at such low levels, anything with a motor could die.  So he actually rushed home to make sure he didn't have to replace our air conditioner unit.  I still think that speaks volumes of love in a family budget kind of way.  

So he blew through the house, in what I would call an irritated/agitated state, did a little family welfare check, and ran off to Home Depot for some new fuses.  But they were already closed.  But the manager must've seen worry in husband's eyes so he let him in anyway.  He told husband that he couldn't sell him anything after hours because all the registers were shut down, but niceness prevailed and he sent us home with the fuses anyway, saying we could come back the next day to pay for them.  How's that for doing something nice for others?  I say thank you Home Depot manager. Thank you for my air conditioning on that hot July night.  And thank you for keeping husband from working months of overtime to buy us a new one. 

And speaking of Fireman Dave.... we saw him and the other brave men of our station putting out a truck fire on the freeway one afternoon.  Which when I think of it, is really like watching superheroes in action.  Now I wonder if they can also leap tall buildings in a single bound.   

And... the most interesting news of all is our brand new.......... SAILBOAT. 

Well it's not really ours but she's parked in my driveway getting a total facelift.  She actually belongs to another fireman and it's a group project to get her back onto her sea legs again.  But for now she lives with me.  And as far as I know, none of us knows a darn thing about sailing but it's keeping husband out of trouble and that's good enough for me.  I just told him that he should really wear a life jacket.  Because.  Because, how embarrassing would that be for him to have to be rescued by some of his friends and coworkers.  

And I am not sure at all that I will participate in the water portion of the boat.  I volunteered my driveway and that may be the end of my contribution, thinking Gilligan's Island and all..... And after a three hour tour of White Rock Lake,  would I rather live as Ginger or Maryann on the deserted island inhabited only by the occasional cannibal and roaming tourist?  I think my short shorts days are past, and I don't know how to make coconut pie.  So I choose Ginger since I wear dresses all the time anyway. 

Y'all.  I searched my blog.  Because my last post made me curious.  And I learned that I've mentioned and/or written about my sister on here 3 times.  Today makes 4.  But I thought it was more.  And maybe y'all thought it was more.  And I mention her in posts on occasion because she is part of my story.  She was part of my story.  But that doesn't mean that I still grieve her death.  In fact I think I've dealt with that very well over time.  I've had plenty of time to do it, anyway. 

But what made me curious was a message from an old friend of my sister's this week.  A very kind, thoughtful, beautifully written message of remembrance, feeling and encouragement - for what must have sounded recently like grief in one of my posts.  And really, I have to spend some time on the message she sent me, kind of like a letter from my sister that I waited 20 years to open.  There's a lot in there to learn and digest.  And I will do exactly that.  When I have the sea legs for it.

(But right now I am all too busy celebrating summer.  And with that, it seems ice cream has been involved in almost every aspect of our celebration.  I heard that the average person consumes 22 pounds of ice cream each year.  And with that goal in mind, the Walters family is trying to get a jump start on our consumption quota.)

But I think love lasts no matter how long you thought it might or actually did.  And so, yes.  I'm sure I mention some people I miss on occasion.  Because at that particular moment, I probably do.  But y'all, I'm good.  I'm not in despair of any kind.  I'm not longing for, or lacking, or for that matter, sitting around filling empty holes in my heart with words of grief - or ice cream.  In fact, we have traveled far and wide to eat our ice cream so there has been fun and frivolity mixed in.  I am actually not a lover of ice cream in its purest form.  But I do claim to be the world's leading chocolate malt taste tester.  

In fact here we are in Waco... at The Health Camp.... a famous little place that has served burgers and shakes since 1948.  Husband and kid 3 gave it a thumbs up in both taste and greasy drive in charm.    

And here we are at the Highland Park Pharmacy finishing up a long summer day of nothing better to do. And no, I did not cut my own hair, despite all appearances in this photo.  But I have since, seen my guy, Gustavo, who worked his magic on me and adorableness is all over the place. 


Love..... what is it?  I thought I loved a fella in high school during my sophomore year musical production of The Music Man.  In fact, today I declare that I did love that young man... for at least a couple of months.... and in a 16 year old kind of way.  He was the stage crew and had beautiful arm muscles.  He also drove an old truck and went fishing a whole lot, and we had rival tans.  

And I loved a fella kinda forever in my last years of high school who ended up coming in and out of my life for way too many years beyond, and then leaving me to think we were an us again, but finding out from his mother that he got married.  To a gal he calls Babycakes.  Lord help me.  

Then there were plenty that I wasted more years of my life on than I can count.  Enough said.   

And so maybe I am not only an expert on all things chocolate malt related, but love as well.  Or at least I've put in my time in the study and practice of it.  A fact that cannot be disputed by any authority.  I did see a sign for a love specialist psychic on the freeway.  Maybe I can be her assistant.

The love of a young girl is so far apart from the love of a grown woman who has learned not so much what love is - but more of what love is not.  

My sister's friend, in her comment to me of late, made me question not so much the love that I had for my sister, but the love she had for me.  And I'm not sure if I should just ignore that itching feeling to look into that possibility, or just leave it in the history books where it belongs.  But I do know for a fact, that I am just like the rest of the world  - not knowing what I had till it was gone.  I thought my heart would fall right out of my chest the night she died.  And really, I didn't know I would feel like that. 

And I think that was love showing up a little too late.  It was realizing a lost relationship and lost togetherness that had, up till that point, been taken for granted.  Taken for granted because I was far too busy looking for love in all the wrong places to see what I already had.  

post script... and with that, I may take a summer break.  Unless I think of something all too exciting not to share.

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