Sunday, August 2, 2015

I had a chance to see Geraldo Rivera naked, ... Just another summer day

So much for a summer break.  The kids are driving me crazy and I have to tell somebody.  How about a round of applause for my courage in speaking the truth in a world full of fake people on Facebook who still claim to love their kids in August?  

So for me, this is really a week in review, of the pirates and thieves among us.  As there were no angels within a 100 mile radius.  Our cast of characters for the week....  3 bored boys, one paramedic husband ready to institutionalize his wife if she steps one more step toward the edge of this summertime cliff, Mr. Abdominals - the perfect pool lifeguard, and a naked Geraldo Rivera.  

But before I forget, if you got a phone call last week from someone claiming to be Kid 1 stuck in a Dominican Republic jail, you can put your bail money right back into the bank.  As he is safe and secure here on the couch doing absolutely nothing at all.  

I've likened the tween and teen years as the second round of toddlerhood.  Where the kids have to be busy at all times or there's trouble waiting around the next bend.  They also need regular feedings and a sippy cup of water to take with them everywhere. 

Once I read a blog from a mom who titled it something like, What Your Teenage Son Needs from You.  And I hated her from her first word.  It reminded me of those magazine covers that always have a number in them.  Like .... 300 Ways to Cook Chicken.   And to be fair, and reading as a mom of a teen or two myself, I read a bit of her post but hated her even more as it went along.  

Because I think she has one kid.  Which in and of itself is not a crime in any way.  So don't go leaving me nasty comments please.  I sometimes lay down at night and have peaceful dreams of how much money we would save on food if we were a one kid family.  However, as a mom of 3 boys, I had some issues with the author's happiness, her sunny outlook on life, and her description of the teenage boy years as the best time of her mom life.  I also took issue with her description of teenage boys as the funniest, most enjoyable people to be around.  Because, as I see it, she was #1... obviously drunk or #2... she gives her kid personality altering drugs.

So when I said I was really enjoying my kids this summer, I was telling the truth.  On that particular day.  And right up until last Wednesday when I walked in from a doctor appointment with Kid 1 to find husband asleep and Kids 2 and 3 playing video games.  And the house looking like that old TV Show Sanford and Son where they lived at a junk yard.

And if you ask the boys, and definitely husband, they would probably say that I lost it.  Kid 2 went into a closet that he called the safe house.  And husband just kinda nodded a fixed gaze yes or no - depending on the question.  Such as... 

me:  Am I wrong here? 
husband:  No honey you are 100% right as always.  

me:  Am I overreacting at the laziness of character that is shining so bright I may need to put on my Prada's to protect my eyes?  

husband:  No, honey.  You are spot on in diagnosing all our family problems and giving them a name. And amazing.  Did I mention that you are also amazing? 

So then I just started throwing things away.  My theory being that if I find it on the floor or shoved under a couch cushion, I consider it garbage.

And Kid 3 has screamed and moaned about his school summer reading project.  To the point that it started to sound like those backyard chickens our neighbors have and we mostly tune that out.  Kid 1 dropped his phone and broke the screen, then looked at me like I am indeed made of money.  And kid 2 was the only helpful one that particular day when he told me my dress was tucked inside my panties on my left hind quarter. 

And they ate an entire cake in one day.

Even the dog has had it UP. TO. HERE with it all and has notified me that if the boys don't go back to school soon and very soon, she will be looking for a new home.   Me too. 

Yes, those are drums you hear in the background.  The drumming sound of the natives in their habitat.  

And since we've just about run out of things to do, we're basically just wandering Dallas in the heat trying to use up time till we can watch a movie then go to bed. 

We went to Steel City Pops which is kinda fun in a hot summer day popsicle eating kind of way.  But for those of us that grew up in the age of the ice cream truck rolling down your street every day, it lacked a certain charm.  But it was good and within 5 minutes I had a strawberry stain on my dress.  

We also went to a downtown antique store - a glorified junk shop combo of vintage things and stuff people just don't want anymore.  And the first thing I saw was a stack of Playgirl magazines.  Which are like Playboy magazines but filled with naked men.  And I know this because in high school my friend Jenny brought one to school and read it in class hidden under her desk.  I, however, did not read the entire thing back then, and now wish I had as it may have had some very well written articles in there.  But the book on the top of the stack at the antique store had Geraldo Rivera on the cover and I didn't really want to see him naked.  So I passed up the opportunity.  Also because my kids were with me.   

I also tried on what I thought was a super cute 70ish long prairie skirt with a patchwork pattern.  But husband made a snarly face and made me feel ashamed.  Possibly even more than I would have had I bought the entire stack of Playgirl magazines for home use.   

And of course we spend our fair share of time at the pool after I get home from work in the afternoons.  There's this young man lifeguard, college age.  Let's call him Mr. Abs.  Because that's the very first thing you'll notice about him.  Then you might notice his perfect sun kissed hair, his dark tan and finally his outward charm and confidence.  Then couple that with the fact that he is good with kids and you might think I have a crush on Mr. Abs.  But I absolutely do not.  I actually prefer my young college age men a little less than perfect.  Says Mrs. Robinson.

So Mr. Abs will sun himself, then save a life, then sun himself some more.  Then he may catch a young girl running dangerously on the deck of the pool and gently remind her that though he believes her to be an excellent runner, he cares for her safety and she must walk so she won't get hurt.  Then he will sit around and laugh with the other life guards, buy children a popsicle after a successful swim lesson, then help put on a life jacket for a wee little ones while smiling charmingly at the mom.   

Enter the pirates and thieves.... as they wrestled in the water with a toy torpedo possibly stolen from a child younger and weaker than they.  And when kid 1 dove into kid 3's head under water, kid 3 punched him in the face.  At which time kid 1 bit kid 3's hand and left a 2 day bite mark.  Please do not tell the assistant principal at our school as he and I have already had enough discussion over the difference between play and violence.  So Mr. Abs steps in to remind my boys that rough housing in the pool may become dangerous and that he cannot allow such nonsense.  Though I imagine he told them that though he believes they would make excellent cage fighters one day, he can't condone that behavior in his pool.  

So the boys got out, came over to my lounge chair - where I was trying to read a book and be carefree for one hour - and told on each other.  The we went home.  The end.  

But not really.  I then ask myself if my boys will ever use their good looks, charm and exceptional abdominals for the good of mankind.  And I answer myself again and again, ... I have no idea.  

But the fact that I make it to the end of another day with stories to tell and hope for more like it is promise enough for me.  I can imagine the God of all wonders sitting in front of the Walters Cam and watching our day to day.... and watching me and my reactions.  Some better than others.  And I hear him saying to me, Kristi.... This is a test.  This is only a test.  And today you passed.  Now rest up, ..... I can't wait for tomorrow. 

"Well done, my good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." (Matthew 25:21)

post script.... yes I still love my kids.  Even in August. 

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  1. Ah, those were the days! I survived the Mallette TWO & you will survive your Walters THREE too! Give hugs to KIDS 1, 2, & 3 from their Aunt Debby & Uncle Charley-we miss them . . .


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