Sunday, July 31, 2016

Because THAT is just who I am and what I do

The highs and lows of my conference going weekend.... but first. 

Did y'all notice I misspelled a word in my last post and not at all on purpose?  Well I did but it's all been corrected now.  In fact the word was so very misspelled that it took on an entirely different meaning and in an entirely different language.  I didn't even know that I speak French.  Here's the spelling portion of today's post.

The word adieu - happens to be sort of French and means to say good bye.  It DOES NOT mean what I thought it meant. 

The word a-do means what I thought the other word meant. Or the other word means what I thought this word means.  But either way it means to make a fuss or trouble

But y'all are so very kind and no one said a darn thing to me about it.  Then I got embarrassed because of your kindness and felt like I needed to confess that I now realize the seriousness of my mistake and that I will use the dictionary whenever in doubt from here on.  

So without further a-do....

I spent Friday and Saturday at The Declare Conference 2016.  And I started to sweat the entire thing as early as Thursday morning at work.  Because THAT is just who I am and what I do.  Were you in class that day about 8:30 ish when I sounded like I need to do more cardio and I could hardly breathe?  That's because I was in talks with a panic attack about that time.  The whole thing was weird and I felt a little bit awful for about an hour.  

Then I came home and stressed about what to wear to a thing where I would be surrounded by hundreds of women who would probably be all adorable and fancy.  My priorities were clearly misplaced in this whole deal.  

And trying to step out on faith, I decided to drive to Southlake Friday morning.  Because according to the conference info... some people who don't know better actually consider that part of the world to be Dallas.  Which let me tell you, it is nowhere near Dallas - and it took me over and hour and a freeway meltdown to arrive at my destination.  I totally should've chosen UBER and waterproof mascara.  

I left the house about 7:45 and somewhere around 8:15, check my phone records for time confirmation, I called Fireman Dave who was at home by the phone ready to assist in any way possible.    But only by phone because he could do nothing but listen to me cry on speaker phone when I took the wrong exit and headed north toward Denton for a ways and then pulled over into the parking lot of an abandoned carpet and tile outlet to call home.  And scary traffic zoomed all around me and there was construction everywhere and I had no idea the freeway had so many choices.  Because my world is very sheltered and very small.  

And I told him that I knew I couldn't do this.  

Because that's what I had been telling myself all along.  Even my mind knew it as early as Thursday morning.  

And I got there kinda frazzled and stood in the back of the room for a bit till I found a chair to sneak into.  Then I cried again because #1 -  I was thankful I didn't die on the freeway, and #2 -  I was overwhelmed at doing something different, with different people, and in a different place.  And #3 -  I tend to listen to the wrong voice.  

I love the story of David and Goliath... when David is nothing but weakness in a skirt but he faces the giant like nobody's business.  I'm not like him.  I'm like the other guys standing around listening to the wrong voice - the voice that says I can't do things that require strength and courage and faith.  The voice that all too often yells louder than the voice of God that is so quietly whispering for me to at least give it the old college try.  

So I wrapped up Friday night exhausted and I would've totally driven home to love on my people had I not been all glassy eyed and still in shock from the freeway trip earlier in the day.  But miracles happen all the time and everywhere, in my case in the form of complimentary valet parking and a private Hilton Honors member lounge to greet me upon my arrival at the hotel.  Thank you Fireman Dave for knowing me so perfectly well that you took care to provide even from semi far away.  

Here is my hotel selfie that I took to send to Kid 3.  Who happens to be a lover of all things hotel.  This was to show him my bed that I had no plans to share.. and the cookies that were all mine.  I should've taken a picture of the bathroom that I had no plans to share. 

And I spent the better part of Saturday in classes as well.  But home was calling my name. 

I think over the two days, I learned a lot about writing and speaking and deciding what's important for me and the blog.  And sadly, I learned that there may or may not be a market for the things I write about.  

And I learned that there are a million other women out there who are doing the same thing as me - but with more of a passion for the business side of blogging than the love side.  That lesson kinda hurt my heart.  
But what I learned most was that I missed my family.  And that even for that little bit of time away from them, doing something where they weren't playing a part, felt as lonely as I have in a long time.  I also learned to specifically request vegetarian meal options before hand when attending such an event.  I swear this was a women's event but not a salad in sight.  Talk about crazy. 

And I learned that sometimes people will tell you that your story is too small to make a difference to many.  And I learned that I'm still gonna do it anyway.   And I learned that though I love to write, I mostly love to write about the things and people that I love.  And if they can't be my topic and focus and the characters of my stories, then the stories aren't worth telling. 

I'm glad I went.  And it was such a gift for me to have the opportunity.   And I'm glad to have a better  perspective of the more serious side of blogging.  But y'all, I'm in it for the love of a good story.  My story.  And no matter what I learned this weekend, I'm reminded that I'm the only one with THIS story to tell.  And I'll keep on praying about how all that's supposed to turn out. 

post script: The panic thing... those things are few and far between for me now, and I can usually get through it without a lot of fanfare, but it's totally hard to panic breathe and teach step aerobics at the same time.   But in case you were worried, I promise I'm still in excellent cardiovascular shape and can teach the heck out of a step class - I just need those demons to please wait till I'm finished with work next time.   

post post script... typos and misspellings courtesy of my lack of a fancy editor.  

Would you like to comment?

  1. I'm so sorry that these were your take away from Declare! It's been two years or so since I went, and I don't remember any of the "business" side of blogging being discussed...more the spiritual side, the story being shared.

    For what it's worth, I think having a passion and love for the story IS the important part. The business side is just something you sometimes have to do to make your "small voice" heard to the many - because everyone's voice is important. NO ONE's story is too small.

  2. I follow a number of "mom blogs", yours included. Wish I had been at the conference to hear all the comments, etc. The comment that "your story is too small to make a difference to many" is absurd. You represent "all" moms; "mom of teen boys"; "moms exercising"; "firefighter wives"; "hilarious/friends", etc. So glad that no matter what, you are continuing your blog! Your voice and sense of humor are definitely needed!!!


Love your comments. Leave Your comments.