Monday, August 15, 2016

I'm good

Yesterday I was at Target getting a last minute birthday gift for Kid 3.  And I mean really last minute because while I was at there, he was home by himself turning 13. 

And while I was there I saw someone I know ... who sweetly stopped and asked me how I'm doing with missing my friend.  In case you're new here, I lost my friend Debi almost 3 months ago.  

My short definition of Debi?  .... A life well lived and full of fun  - and really the first person that I called friend in a very long time.   And I'm fairly sure the first person to call me friend in just as long.

So here's what my answer was to the question about missing my friend.  I'm good.  But I hate driving by her house and seeing her car parked outside and thinking she's there.  Then remembering she's not.

But mostly I remember she's gone because everyday I look at my phone and no one has called or texted.  No one not named Walters, anyway.  

Last night I dreamed that I was helping Debi with a side business she started.  So while she was in the other room being a nurse, I was in her bathroom selling clothes.  Lots of clothes.  In the bathroom.  Which was an award winning weird dream because I know for a fact that Debi would never run any sort of boutique unless it involved a drive up beer window out the back of her suburban. 

And I have to say that maybe I miss just having someone who knew me and understood me - quirks and all - food texture issues, aversions to stiff and scratchy clothes and my constant attempt at becoming a hermit. 

Yesterday Kid 3 turned 13, and yesterday marked the 5th year that I've had no contact with my mom and brother.  Because they chose pride and hate over getting along.  And 5 years ago I had to explain to Kid 3 why they couldn't come to his party, and I had to decide where to draw the line between what's acceptable and right and what's bad for me and my kids. 

Really I had to decide what was safe and positive for us all.  And I promise that these years haven't been easy in keeping my faith in that decision.  

But gosh I got really lucky to fill that emptiness with a friend.  Because I had been looking everywhere to fill that space. 

Yes I miss her.  Yes I miss my phone making that texting sound and knowing someone was including me in her day.  And I miss being able to tell her that I have a giant hole in my shower wall right now.  And that the dryer broke and can I bring over the wet wash for her to dry.  Please and thank you?

And that Kid 3 turned 13 yesterday. 

post script...
For my sweet Kid 3....

There are so many things I want you to know that you will never learn in school.  Like how important you are to the world around you and your role to play in the BIG picture.  God's big picture.   And how things like your kindness outshine what this world way too often considers important.  

So... my wonderful 13 year old boy, today and every day, your mom thinks you are the greatest gift I have ever received.  

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