Sunday, December 4, 2016

Oh, there you are. There's the girl I've waited a lifetime to become.

I guess the funniest thing about our Thanksgiving trip was when the entire 15 of us played charades.  When it was my turn, the topic was barbecued ribs.  Which I don't eat and thus didn't know how to act out because of it.  Anyway, I chose to focus on the rib part.... so I put my hands on my ribs and did the wanna be runway model pose.  Not a soul guessed it was my ribs I was talking about at first, but our sweet 13 year old nephew guessed even better - and paid me the compliment I had been hunting for all weekend.  His guess was SKINNY.  And I stopped dead in my acting tracks and was taken aback by how I felt like I had been unknowingly complimented by a kid.  Then I got it back together after telling him I love him and his sweet innocence, and resumed my charade -  and it turns out I am not a good actress.  They finally guessed it but had to pretty much list off the entire menu from a barbecue restaurant to get it in time.

All weekend I had been struggling with how I thought I looked in all our family pictures.  And all weekend I felt like the people who hadn't seen me in a while were all asking themselves if I quit the fitness business and became a food taster.  Or something.  Because y'all.  I'm so hard on myself.  And all y'all..... I have always been hard on myself. 

I also, our first night of the trip, was overwhelmed by the togetherness of it all and went up to my room and cried.  Not for long, but still.  Because you know what?  It's just wrong on a million different levels to not have a family of your own that claims you.   And I miss my wonderful friend, Debi, more and more of late it seems.  The holidays without our annual Christmas Eve together is going to be rough.  I think we should all cancel Christmas this year and return when all is merry and bright.

And I struggled with the teenager in love all weekend as he couldn't make eye contact with anyone because his dang eyes were glued to his phone.  And it all came rushing toward me - that things aren't the same as they were.

I understand in my mind that I'll probably never be the small, near weightless beauty that I was before kids.  And before too many birthdays and birthday cake.  But I don't understand it in an accepting it sort of way.   And I know I'll never be the same person I was before marriage and jobs and my share of heartbreaks and battles.  But I know that years from now I'll be reading this and say, YES!  Hallelujah to it all, aren't the same as you were, and you're not the same as you're going to be. 

I can't speak to this subject for the men reading this, but for us girls, I can, and am a living, breathing example of how we spend our lives in constant battle within ourselves - trying to figure out who we are.  Trying to figure out if we're good.  Or even good enough.  And trying to figure out our worth and what all the required pieces that play into that big equation may be. 

I would dare say we are always in a state of waiting.  I am, anyway.  I'm waiting to be the one in the cutest outfit at the whatever.  I'm waiting to be the one that has the article that goes viral on the web.  And I'm waiting to see what I'm supposed to do next.  That's kind of a big deal weighing on me right now.

Maybe this is it.  Maybe I'm supposed to be the one that writes about things that encourage and may or may not be funny.  Maybe being the me I am today is exactly what I've been waiting for all along.  I just need to take it all in and say, Oh, there you areThere's the girl I've waited a lifetime to become.   Maybe each day is my own advent of change - constantly in search of what God has in store for me next.  

Did you notice I said advent of change? Which occurred to me today -  is exactly what the season of Advent is all about.  Y'all, I thought it was just a word that I use a few weeks before Christmas.  But Advent - the season of waiting, is also the season that we are to take note of all that's going on in our lives, and wait for what can and will change because of the birth of Christ. 

Boom.  Now it makes sense.  

Advent blessings to you. 

post script:  a little southern language tutorial...

Y'all - the word I use to mean, you and you and you.  It could be a small group or large.  Doesn't really matter.  But it's not definite that it includes everyone within earshot.   For example:  I just love Y'all. 

All Y'all - what I mean when I mean every one of y'all, no one excluded.  Everyone being part of the y'all that I am speaking or referring to.  Example - All Y'all are invited to follow along on the blog as we observe Advent together. 

All Y'all's  - something that belongs to everyone.  For example -  I love all Y'all's sweet comments that you leave on my blog.  

Got it Y'all?

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