Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Some days it's more of a mountain.....

Y'all.  Okay, so I posted a quick Thanksgiving review a while back.  And every bit of it was true because I absolutely did go fishing and found that fish adore smoked sausage and brisket as bait.  That was my top secret fish technique in the family fish-athon.  It's also true that I hurt my arm but it's feeling on and off again better or maybe I'm just used to that ripping sensation in my shoulder every time I try to move it.  And I may or may not have told you that I was sick all over Thanksgiving break with a cold that Kid 1 shared with us all.  Now it's all moved into my ears and I can't hear anything and people fuss because the music in class is too loud.

And it is also true that I have a kid head over heels in teen love and the worst part is that I don't really know what to do about it.  And I think all of this comes at a time for me that is magnifying all the changes going on in the boys' lives, all the growing, all the not needing mom for nearly as much anymore.

I may or may not be in crisis.  And I'm worried that I'll be tossed out like an old toy - like in those sad Toy Story movies that  make me cry every darn time I watch them because Andy grows up and doesn't play with Buzz Lightyear and Woody the Cowboy anymore.  And of course Facebook shared a memory with me today of when Kid 1 sang in a school choir concert  - and it was the most angelic, sweet voiced song -  and I looked at him in the video when he was 12 and I wanted to yell at the whole bunch of them to stop singing songs that make me sad.  And Kid 1, stop growing up.  And stop only talking to me when you need money. And stop being in stupid love with a girl that I've only seen twice and stop making me think about what and where my future may lie.  

Fireman Dave tried to comfort me last week with a trip to the arboretum.  But it was cold so we sat down in the sun and talked mostly about the boys and even more about me and my impending crisis.  And he tried to remind me that we've been working toward these days for the last million years  - trying to grow these boys into men of character and strength.  Add to that the ability to pay their own  bills and we'll call parenting a success on all counts.  Of course, right then was when I noticed that we were sitting in the Dallas Arboretum's Garden of Memories.  Because it's all just a big plot.  Maybe the government.  Maybe the devil.  Maybe just me battling against my very own self. 

Anyway, I told  him that I know what our goal was all along but that I didn't hear it running up behind me so fast.  And speaking of, ....where the heck did the time go?  Did I do everything I wanted to with the boys before they run out of sentiment enough to humor me and ride go karts like we did the Tuesday of Thanksgiving break?  Did they go with me because they wanted to?  Or because I hold punishment powers?  Or did they go with me because I told them I would take them out for lunch.....  I'm depressing myself even thinking about it all.

Oh my gosh, this past week brought an ugly case of cyber bullying at the high school level, another terrible hair color situation, and a trip to the dentist for me.  And I am proud to report that I had zero cavities.  I must've gotten better control over my deep tooth grooves.  Anyway, the dentist looked to be about 15 years old and I did stop and check his credentials before he was allowed to use any sharp instruments in my mouth.  He reminded me of the little elf in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - the one cast away to the Island of Misfit Toys because he wanted to be dentist.  But that elf may have been older and more experienced.  I say this strictly to point out that as much as the Dallas Fire Department has been in the news of late about a handful of firemen retiring as millionaires - we will not be one of the lucky few.  We are and may always be the kind that go to the cash pay dental clinic and hope for the best. 

So here I sit, writing this after one of the biggest parenting battles of my entire career.  And it involved the teenage Romeo and Juliet.  Mostly, the Romeo - aka, Kid 1.  Last night I visited with the girlfriend for approximately 60 seconds in the school parking lot, and Kid 2, after witnessing it,  announced it's awkwardness in a sort of embarrassed for me way.  I, on the other hand, probably proved the young girl right in thinking I'm scary and mean. Bless us one and all. 

This is all a new chapter for me.  And I'm in the process of polling those that I trust to find out how they have handled similar situations.  I need valuable experience and input and encouragement.  And hopefully I'll have it all figured out by the time Kids 2 and 3 find that romance is alive and well in these here United States.  

But really, the conversation with the kids has been ongoing for almost forever.  But this week it was at least 3 times with Kid 1  - speaking of battles and all that life will send his way.  But mostly we spoke of battles that I am willing and committed to fight on his behalf. And that's not always going to make him or his brothers happy.  I've tried to explain to him the dangers of words and the things that a young lady can say to harm the reputation and the future of a young man.  I just don't know how to handle the shaky grounds of modern romance very well anymore, and trying to be an advocate for a teenager with stars in his eyes is proving to be a fight that goes an indefinite number of rounds.  

I finally fell asleep last night and slept the sleep of an exhausted person, body and mind.  But I woke up with the idea in my head of parenting being a little like this.... I feel like I've just spent the last 16 years of my life carrying a large load up a hill.  Some days it's more of a  mountain.....  And along the way, I've picked up rocks to add to the load.  And along the way I've also tossed out a few that I no longer need.  But the climb has been long and winding and sometimes even with a great big flat part to walk easy and be fooled that I've got this mothering thing figured out.  But when I've finally gotten close to the top, I drop the Kid  ...... out of a mixture of confusion and needing to rest.  And he's rolling away so fast that I can't chase him fast enough.  And at that point, all I can do is hope that all the climbing and adding to his life up until this point, has already made a difference.

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