Tuesday, May 30, 2017

I am qualified for not many things, but can burlesque dance, sort of, and that might be worth something

I don't know how many people asked me how my weekend was.  Lots.  Plenty.  Because turns out people are polite and I know they really they just want a polite reply in return - but my REAL answer is that I hate holidays.  All of them.  And I especially hate holidays that fall on weekends. I also hate that I just got a truancy warning for Kid 1 because he can't manage to walk his legs to the Attendance Office at school to turn in his sick notes.  Y'all come see me in Parent Jail please if I can't get this worked out. 

So now that we're all telling each other the truth about things, here's some more.  

I also hate raisins and coconut and being on this new lower carb diet that I've been trying for a week.  And I hated this particular weekend until Monday when Fireman Dave finally came home from work after a million years and someone actually spent time with me.  Thank you honey for offering to put me on anti- depressants, but choosing instead to take me out to lunch.  You are both kind and wise. 

Y'all, like the song says, breaking up is hard to do... and I happen to be in the middle of a couple of ugly breakups.  Number one, with cookies.... and I would totally kill for a chocolate chip one.  Or twelve.  But mostly with Kid 1;  possibly with Kids 2 and 3 looming on the horizon.  And finally, with the idea that motherhood lasts forever.  

Luckily the older two boys got life-guarding jobs this summer to fill some of their lazy, hazy summer days, but that means that their worlds are getting even further and further away from home.  That was the original plan from about the time of birth, right?  Yes, I think it was, originally.  But I forgot.  I think I forgot because I got all confused with all the chores and lessons and care giving, and I thought this particular way of life, was, in fact, a way of life.  Like a job with no retirement benefits.  Much like the Dallas Fire Department. 

But folks, there is an end.  And it happens to be in sight, and I am now trying to find out what a mom does after she's not really a full time mom anymore.  I'm taking suggestions in the comments.  I am qualified for not many things, but can burlesque dance, sort of/barely, and that might be worth something.  

Anyway, first of all I was ill all weekend.  Like the kind of sick where you put yourself on a lung transplant wish list, but instead take some antibiotics and try not to cough hard enough to explode your brain.  Turns out I was more than sick on Friday, but I went to work anyway and regretted it every step of all three classes that I taught.  I probably borderline hyperventilated and said some things that were a direct result of low brain oxygen.  But I think I smiled though.  Because I am a highly trained professional who can hide her true feelings like an actor on a stage.  And I really want a smiley face if I suddenly die.  In case there are photos.  

But I worked, then came home and thought about if I had strength enough to go to the urgent care.  Luckily most people were out swimsuit shopping for the holiday weekend, because I was in and out fairly quickly with a prescription for antibiotics and another for a cough medicine that could tranquilize a bear.  

Then I spent the weekend alone feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I had more people.  I think that's the main point of today's post. 

I miss having people.  And I miss my friend Debi, who has been gone from us exactly one year this past weekend.  And I know that she would've brought me soup and then told me to get over myself and to go get a tattoo of something happy or emotionally revealing to make myself feel better.  I miss my friend so very much.  

And I had huge plans to find a new friend this year, but I didn't.  It was like blind dating, really.  And I had a couple of bites, but then I pulled a Kristi and didn't take them up on the invitation or the offer or the whatever.  Because of history.....  Historically speaking, I don't have a great track record with friendships - ask my dozens of former college roommates and assorted others who would label me as difficult to get along with and emotionally distant.   Which is just unfortunate, because I can be so nice when I'm not trying to make friends. It's complicated and weird.  Much like blind dating.  

So anyway, I started this last year really strong in prayer over applying for a new friend.  Then I think I got settled into it just being me, and then I talked myself into the old ways of thinking that any techniques I might try to become pageant winner would end up with me being fourth runner up and great Facebook friends with whoever gave me a chance.  Fourth runner ups only get a sash, y'all.  Not flowers, not a scaled down tiara to fit her position in the court of honor.  A sash. 

I could trace all this back to my faulty upbringing, but then I look at wolves and how they do so well in packs, and I think I'm just looking for excuses to hide something that I never quite learned how to do.  

So y'all, holidays are lonely for some of us.  Holidays are lonely for me.  I don't have a large family and tons of significant others to fill my calendar.  And darn it all to heck, I also have some memories that I'm not sure what to do with and where to put, and lots of time on my hands.  

And really, rest assured, I'm not depressed.  I've been depressed a time or two, and I know the signs.  I get skinny when I'm depressed, and I have not reached mile marker X on that scale, so I know I'm healthy as a horse.  But I admit to the boredom.  And I admit to the lonely.  And I admit to the occasional sad.  And I definitely admit to the fear of doing anything outside this box I've put around my very nervous and quite introverted heart.  

I had to explain to someone not long ago why I don't list my birthday or any other important info on social media.  Because, blogging aside, I am actually very private.  I'll talk to you all day long about cute shoes and even cuter boys/men.  BoyMen. 

I've always been a bit partial to this one though every man on Earth says they don't understand it.  Go figure the brain chemistry that can't see the obvious.    But other than that, I'm pretty hard to get to know.  

So here's what I did to take myself out of myself this weekend.  I found someone else to give some attention to.  And how - oh - how I would love to actually see these special kids and have more of an impact on their lives, but that's not what I was called to do.  It's funny how things come around again to remind you of them.... I actually ran across a lady a couple of years ago through a friend on Facebook.  And as much as I can't stand Facebook, it's in times like this that it comes in handy.  

She is a special lady that is a missionary in Uganda.  She takes care of many children that need a home, some from Uganda, others from Rwanda and the Sudan.  Kids that have been rescued from former lives and are now being given a chance to attend school.  Y'all, it was a small gift, but I was able to give the gift of a term of school to two sweet little girls that had not had their tuition paid yet.   Meet Angel and Asenta.

They will never know me.  They will never know who provided,  but they will know that God did.  And I needed to do this very small thing this weekend.  Because I found myself stuck in an ugly place  - halfway between sick and tired -  and the horizon was looking pretty bleak.  I've now made a commitment to seek out other volunteer opportunities.  Maybe at my church, maybe something else.  Let me know if you know of anything.  I am a willing and eager heart. 

I needed to start somewhere.  And little Angel and Asenta were a good place to start. 

post script... there are more cuties just like these littles that need help.  And you would be shockingly surprised at how little it cost to give a child so much opportuntity.  Let me know if you want to learn more. 

Would you like to comment?

  1. I'm with you on Sam Elliott!! And, trust me, you will find things to do when the boys leave home, like...going to see them and driving them crazy!

  2. I'm several years ahead of you in learning about not being a full-time mom, and I'd love for us to connect. Going to Portland for a few days then will call you when I'm back. - Lynne B

  3. Great post. I feel you, on a lot of levels. ❤ ��


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