Thursday, July 27, 2017

Just call me Jerry

I came home today to find a pair of gym shorts duct taped to the ceiling to hide the skylight, a sick kid throwing up from obvious dehydration, scrambled eggs drying in a pan, and two pepperoni pizza hot pockets in the microwave that no one remembers cooking.  There was also an extra kid on the couch watching horror movies with Kid 2.  I didn't think we allowed horror movies.  And I had only been gone to work for 4 hours.

Oh, I totally forgot - our very old, classic 1956 pocket doors were off their hinges.  Because it wouldn't be a mid summer's day party if there was no structural damage to the house.  Know how much I love these boys?  These angels, pirates and thieves?  Enough for all that nonsense to make me smile. That's where the phrase, crazy in love comes from....

Did I tell you that we had just about made it to an all time world record since the boys got into an actual fight?  But it all came to an end a few days ago when Kid 1 and Kid 2 got all sorts of into it.  Something about wearing each other's clothes or touching the other one's phone - or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I don't know.  But ladies, and gentlemen..... should you ever need to break up a bar room brawl, and can get close enough to do so, there is a certain place of sensitivity above the shoulder where the neck meets the body.  We fitness pros would call it your traps - the Trapezius region of terror, basically.  Give this little area a strong pinch and you've got some healthy self defense at your fingertips. You can also get a 17 year old off of a 15 year old when they're about to break the couch and Fireman Dave is at the station. 

And just between friends - especially if you're one of the locals who has to see me in person and was feeling sorry for me the past couple of days.... Yes, I look like I met the Boston Strangler for dinner and drinks, but truly I am fine.  The bruises are nothing nearly so dramatic, and simply a crime of my own vanity.  In other words, a cosmetic treatment attempt to undo some prior bad decisions.  Decisions involving a life of sun worship and cookie eating.  I wish I had a better to tale to tell about it all because my body totally looks like it should come with a story, but alas, no.  I'm just a girl, standing in front of you telling you that I could never be Amish.  Or maybe I could be but a new and different kind of Amish woman that gets cosmetic procedures and thanks God for her great dermatologist.  

And the low carb diet?  Were you about to ask about that?  I'm still on it and my sugar cravings have drastically lessened and I'm feeling much nicer about the whole thing now that I'm past the detox stage.  But I did just learn that even fresh fruit causes a dramatic spike in blood sugar and that is just horrible news for us all.  If we're living in a world where a girl can't even eat canteloupe, Y'all, this world is not my home.  I think in Heaven there will be endless buffet meal options and we'll all spend our days taking selfies of ourselves as fat and happy members of the Kingdom of God. 
So basically this summer I'm writing fluff pieces.  The kind of journalism you might find in the National Enquirer.  The kids are always home and the video games are non stop loudness.  And my computer that I use to write the blog is our one and only family computer because we like to kick it old school around here and keep our technology to a bare minimum.  Actually we'd probably have 8 million computers if I found some good ones out in someone's trash pile on big trash day.  

Anyway, Kid 2 decided he would like to use our family computer as a gaming station to play Mine Craft with this friends - until he realized -  and notified me - that said lap top is ancient and can't keep up with the Joneses.   Then he asked when we, as parents, might consider the purchase of a newer, faster model.  To which I gave him the side eye and asked if he thinks we're rich and/or knows something I don't know.  Anyway, short version.... it's always loud and messy around here and I can't think about deep and thoughtful subjects for the blog.

But I do want to announce that I am once again feeling like a blogging celebrity out there as I have been recognized and approached for autographs about 200 hundred times in the last days.  Actually it was more like 2 times, and minus the autographs, but still.  Cool it Paparazzi, I'm just trying to make it home to the privacy and anonymity of my home, please.  But I'll walk real slow and seductive like so you can snap a few pics on the way. 

No, really.  I learned that I have a few new local readers and I couldn't be happier.  Welcome to the blog, Y'all!  I love that you're here and hope I can manage to keep you past this crazy post.  I was talking today with a friend about the story I wrote about my sister.  If you missed it, you can read it here.  And here for part two.  And I meant it when I said that I had never planned to write these stories at this time.  But God does as God wishes and so I found myself with a story to tell and it turns out, it was a story that a lot of y'all needed to hear.  And that's what this blog is about. 

Someone actually asked me today what my blog is about..... and Lord help me, I couldn't quite give it a name.  I wanted to ask if she had ever watched the awesome show, Seinfeld?  The show about nothing and everything.  Well, that's what my blog is about.  Just call me Jerry.  I wanted to tell her that its kinda like a restaurant menu with a lot of choices and each time you eat there you can order something completely different.  I also thought about telling her that its a blog about words.  About a conversation between me and you.  No, not the kind of conversation where I hold you hostage, tied to a chair, bound and gagged and I talk and make you listen.  Or maybe sometimes it is. 

I mostly wanted to say that I write about my days, our days, and how and when God intersects.  How he meets me in the laundry room and the gym and in my daily running around,... he meets me through the plain and ordinary activities that we all have to so, and he meets me every time I feel his tug on my creativity and sit down to tell a story.  He meets me here so that He can meet you here also.  That's what I think this blog is about.  

If you're new here, welcome.  If  you're a regular, welcome.  If you're a stranger, welcome... you won't be for long.   

Happy summering and I'll pop in and out of here as often as I can.  

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