Sunday, November 26, 2017

I hate your blanket and it's hiding my football greatness!!!!

I just finished scrolling through everyone's happy Thanksgiving posts while I sit here for the first time, up right, in my bed with a bad horrible case of vertigo.  Vertigo of the post migraine, post airplane flight type.  Make that a post migraine during an airplane flight type.  It was bad.  I did get a bonus bottle of water from the flight attendant since we told her I needed to take medication - STAT.  And the guy next to me used my special health emergency to request an extra package of cookies for the road. 

So anyway, I've mostly been laying down with a heated tube sock full of rice across my head.  Which sounds weird, maybe, but years ago the boys made these stuffed socks as crafts at Vacation Bible School or somewhere and they have been the #1 best gift I have ever received.  I loved my new diamond ring and all a few years back, but diamonds don't cure headaches so they get ranked lower on the list. 

But we had a nice trip to North Carolina, all the family minus Kid 1.  I would've loved to bring him too, but knowing what I know now about his responsibility rating as a near adult, and coming home to find a sick dog complete with household smells, it was probably a good time of separation for us all. 

I actually took my laptop on the trip and started this post days ago, with thoughts of thanks and giving trying to work their way out of me.  But then I  hung up the phone with Kid 1 fussing at him for this thing or that, and realized that it's nearly a crime to be wasting a beautiful beach worrying about what I can't take care of with my toes buried in the sand.   So I chose to beach it instead of write about it.   

Leaving a kid home this week was just weird for me.  But since his football team made the state playoffs -  for the first time in 32 years -  we gave him the choice of what would mean the most to him over his holiday break - stay home so he can attend daily practice and get to to play in round 2 of the biggest game of his high school life.... or come with us on vacation.  Of course he chose football - I totally expected that -  and we left him in the care of his buddy, Kid 4's family, but also with the strict expectation that he come home twice a day to take care of the dog. 

But on or about day 3 of the trip and having had time to monitor his comings and goings via secret neighbor spies and various other parental tactics, seems we set our hopes too high.  Which means that my sweet Rita had to hold her horses on the the way to the bathroom until Kid 1 could squeeze her into his holiday plans.  Really, to save time and energy, refer back to paragraph 3 where I refer to his responsibility rating. 

So I ended up calling a friend and passing along the dog duty, and when Kid 1 came home to find out that he had been discovered and discarded, more than a Happy Thanksgiving was shared between us on the phone.  And as much as I hated to leave it like that, I hate more for a 17 year old boy to give his word to me on something and show that he has yet to learn how to keep it.

So I flipped back and forth this Thanksgiving, being both thankful for the opportunity to parent, and being sad that I may be a total flop at the whole thing.  I went between being happy that I got to spend special time with Kids 2 and 3 and enjoy a beautiful week at the beach, to feeling lost because we weren't all together the way I had hoped.  Together is hard to come by these days, football and girlfriend, and whatever else sounding better all the time over time with the family.  Maybe we gave him such a calm sense of security as a young child that he feels totally okay with running away full speed ahead and trusting that he can come back whenever he decides.    Maybe I should've have lost him in the grocery store a few times when he was little so he would appreciate us more. Or maybe it's none of these - and just is, just because.

Maybe some of you saw the picture I shared earlier of post game fun with Kid 1. This is right after they won round 1 of playoffs.  Looks very sweet and celebratory if I do say so myself.   But here's the rest of the story.....  And yes, seriously, I need a spray tan on my legs.  I know.  Gift cards accepted and welcomed to help with that.  

Y'all, when the team won their first playoff game last Saturday, I was honestly thrilled for them - for about 5 minutes, because then this happened....  First you need to know that it was about 20 degrees below zero out there and for whatever reason, I decided to wear a mini dress and adorable boots, of course in team spirit colors.  And I looked super cute till about 15 seconds after this picture.  And let me say that I have never been more thankful for a blanket in my life than the one in this picture - the one that not only did I use to block out the 90 mph winds, but to hold my skirt down if I even tried to stand up.  So in these pictures, I wear my stadium blanket as a stadium toga, because it was basically the only clothes I had on all day.

So right after the game we made our way down to the field because other parents already had.  And here's more truth than I wish I ever had to share -  but I hesitated because I wondered if we would be welcomed by Kid 1 in his celebration.  And I think this little doubt is a good indication that there is already a natural fault line forming in the world of Walters. 

Then we posed for these pictures  ... And if I may paraphrase the conversation going on between pics 1 - 4, it went something like this:

Family:   We crazy love you and want to be near you - give us some of your attention please Kid 1 !!


So as you can see in pic 2, Kid 1 grabbed the blanket, tossed it in pic 3, and left me streaking across the football field for cover on my bottom half in pic 4.  

I still love you Kid 1, but holy moly, those cotillion classes and millions of prayers obviously haven't kicked in yet.

And then we went to eat, and I went home and cried.  True.  I cried the happy tears of a mom that is proud that her son is happy and involved and all that jazz, mixed with the tears of a mom feeling left out of her son's life, dare I say even feeling like an intruder, seeing our lives even more divided.

So I say this today because I've spent some time looking around at a lot of Thanksgiving posts.  I've followed plans and preparations and saw pictures of the big day.  But I just know in my heart that there are others out there like me -  who don't crazy love the holidays.  And some of us, the every days, near as much as we would like our pictures to tell.    And I share our football fiasco pictures to show you that even though there are some good ones that are worthy of a good story, it's often the good ones that don't tell the whole story.

But I ended up loving this week, and needed it and had been counting the days till it came.  And I loved the time with Kids 2 and 3 and got more time with them than a mom could ever deserve.  And pretty sure they enjoyed it too, except for that time when we ambushed them and made them get haircuts at the Great Clips in small town North Carolina the night before Thanksgiving - just so I could finally give thanks that I could see my children's eyes again out from under the disguises that they had been wearing.

But on Thanksgiving day, after my less than loving talk with Kid 1, and being bit by my in-laws' old dog, I was teetering on the brink of sad and despair - enough so that I consoled myself with macaroni and cheese of the full carb variety - and had to curb my emotions at the big bonfire.  And as I stood out there looking into the fire and burning old tax returns .... because, why the heck not? - I swear it was like a Moses moment.  Like that time the burning bush got his attention, but without the deep voice of God.

I watched that fire and stood there and prayed.  Not long, and not loud, and definitely not pretty.  But God doesn't care about any of that which should be on all our thankful lists.  And I decided that I'm giving a whole lot of power to one  kid -  and not enough to me.  And that I'm letting the worry and stress over that same kid take away the joy that I should have in my time with the other brothers. 

AND, Y'all, I decided that maybe this sadness that I battle on and off has a whole lot more to do with me than it does with Kid 1 or anyone else.  And that burning bush looked right at me and reminded me that I've been dealt a whole lot of hurt and fear and rejection in my time, and that because of it, I can feel those things coming at me from miles before they're ever actually in sight.  And that maybe all that anxiety I feel about watching Kid 1 grow and explore is reminding me all too much of what it felt like to be rejected by my own family at an even younger age - and how maybe I'm confusing my own hurt with his need to grow.

So I'm working on that.  And yes, I admit that I overreacted a tad when I got home to find the smells of doggie irritable bowel syndrome in my house.  And for that, Kid 1,  I apologize.  I actually think I would've left it there for Daddy to clean up, so I applaud your efforts.  But that aside, I'm going to try on some different ways of communicating in times of trouble.  Silence, and thoughtful pauses may be a good place to start. 

And as for me right now, I keep hearing in my head the most beautiful verse, ... 

She is clothed in strength and dignity, 
and laughs without fear of the future.  

Did the burning bush whisper that to me?  No.  Don't be silly - I think I already knew it.  But y'all, I also know me.  Me of the stubborn, choose not to listen sort.   
But gosh I wish I had known a million years ago that I could just pick up some dignity while out and about living through some challenges.  That would've been over the top awesome.  

And honestly, I think I've got the laughing part just about figured out, from years of choosing it over crying - but the part about choosing not to fear?  Why didn't someone tell me about that sooner?

post script:  The team lost their second round of playoff games to a Goliath of a suburban team - a team of literal giants says Kid 1 -  well fed and trained in far fancier facilities, and coached by the best of private lessons their entire lives.  But our little inner city, public school team?  Yes sir and God bless them one and all.  They stood up to their giant, despite the odds, and came out with a better knowledge of what's out there beyond their little playing field.  And the fact they accomplished something that no one in over 30 years has at their school, that's a big plus along with a really great trophy.  

And Kid 1 said he didn't have time to miss us because his freedom was just so much fun.  I'm sure it was, but hope it was even more than that when he looks back on it.  

And as for our trip?  We had great weather and great company.  We enjoyed the beach, saw some movies, walked to the beach store for some things we didn't need but tasted all the better because, and we fished.  Fishing seems to be our Thanksgiving go to of late, and I can't help but think of my dad every time I pick up a fishing pole.  I'm thankful for that.  But mostly we were given the gift of family for Thanksgiving, and that's all I need on my list.   

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