Wednesday, January 3, 2018

ending 2017 a little bruised and a whole lot worse for the wear

First thing in the morning this past Sunday, New Years Eve 2017, the shower nozzle fell from the sky and hit me in the face.  Good morning to me on that Lord's day.  No broken bones, but it was touch and go there for a minute checking my nose for a status update. And I found this particular incident completely representative of the entire year, a year that left me feeling broken, but because of sheer luck, or God's infinite mercy/sense of humor, mostly just a little bruised and a whole lot worse for the wear.

I'll jump right into this post by saying that the past few weeks have found me climbing and staggering and hanging on to whatever solid hold I could find in and for this family - and y'all, that's just not how I saw this motherhood thing going.  You know what I'm talking about .... those times when you feel all accomplished because your kid did something great or grand or even just passed all his classes for the semester and you threw a happy party for your own awesome contribution in birthing him in the first place.    Or maybe you were in the midst of such an organized and handy streak that you got mixed up  - and confused timing for skill, and experience for the promise of future success.  I can honestly check all the above boxes and add the one that says, Thought she had it all figured out but quickly figured out that she didn't.

I know.  I'm speaking in Kristi code.  It's mostly blog code for things I want to tell you but if I do I can be assured of  an ugly text from an un-named and un-numbered kid saying that he doesn't appreciate me or my blogging super strengths and wishes I would fall in the nearest hole and stay there for a while.  Because it seems there are covert spies all around reading the Kristi blog and reporting back to my children all my faults and shortcomings as a mother.  There are also those that have walked through  my online sites and used pictures to create memes of my kids  - and not in a Hallmark greeting card sort of way.  More of a teens are generally mean and can use anything against you in a cyber bullying situation to make you feel self conscious way.  It's hard when your mom is a tell - all sort of gal, and you're walking through a dark and dangerous time known as school

I've been asked to edit my post from here after being critiqued by the teen crowd.... the crowd mentioned above... that loves to troll my public spaces in search of material to use against my kids.  It totally makes me think of that creepy movie, Gone Girl, where the main character's parents were authors who wrote about the girl's life and drove her to be a psychotic killer.  Here's hoping a better future for you, Kids 1, 2 and 3 - and that I haven't planted blogging seeds of ruin in you thus far.  

Y'all, I wish had some of that invisible, mystery ink to tell you something of great importance, but I just have to leave you with this riddle..... What has now become a popular part of teenage culture recently found its way into our own home.  And what I saw when I discovered its presence made my eyes burn with sadness for the young person involved. I wish for her better things, and a better understanding of herself and all that she has to offer the world other than what can be seen with the eye. 

Anyway, y'all.  Y'all.  These last weeks have found me lost in more ways than one, and I can honestly say that I've been at the point of giving up more than I would like to admit.  We're struggling, and I say that with all confidence because it's just the truth.  We are at a stage of family that is hard to take, and just as hard to explain.  And in dealing with all that goes with five people trying to grow into new and hopefully more mature skins, sometimes we get some bruises along the way.  Much like my face after the shower scene the other day.  

And in navigating the ins and outs of all the people involved,.... teachers, friends, other parents... I've found myself organizing, scheduling, planning and to my complete surprise, defending - not only my kids, but our family, our beliefs and values.  And the saddest part of this story? My character.  

I've been accused, insulted and questioned;   hearing a description of myself from a complete stranger as more soap opera star than the mom that I think and hope my kids see when they see me.  And y'all, this is the absolute truth, and beware because the danger is out there everywhere - when the desperate and broken reach out and try to bring others down with them, nothing is off limits.  This time, my parenting history and practices questioned and ridiculed without even a breath of a pause.   

And yet, here I am,  a couple of weeks out from the conversation; and honestly - after being knocked down a bit from the fight, back to a mid range level of energy to take this ship all the way to its designated shore.  And I'm hoping and praying that the shore we're aiming for is called responsible adulthood. 

These last weeks have been a good reminder to be watchful of my heart and diligent in my faith, because both have been attacked from places that I never expected.  You know that phrase about the devil being in the details?  Um, yes.  I'm reminded more than ever to be aware of even the tiniest break in my prayers for my boys, because it only takes a sliver of space for darkness to creep in. 

I'm not much for the thought of the new year always meaning a new beginning.  I prefer to think of any day being a perfect opportunity to start over or again - no matter when, where or how.  And trust that if I had a dollar for every start over I've done in my life, especially on this low carb journey of the last several months, I'd retire both early and to someplace fabulously warm and sunny.  I tend to think that comes from practice and experience.  And the good news is that new chances and fresh beginnings are all the rage right now in the eyes of a God that graces us with endless opportunities to get things right.  

I wish this was a happier new year post.  Maybe in a way it is, if you twist it and bend it into the shape that isn't as much recognized by us right now as beautiful, but in the end, can turn out to be.  

Would you like to comment?

  1. Hang in there, Kristi! You are not alone in your journey. With love and admiration - Lynne B.

  2. Christi Harris-LazaroJanuary 3, 2018 at 11:43 PM

    You're one tough mama who cares so much it hurts! I'm pretty sure you'll be sitting around years from now with kids 1, 2 and 3 and of course fireman Dave reminiscing and laughing about the good times and bad of a family growing through the years. Something I'd say is worth hanging on for!❤

  3. Oh sweet friend. My heart aches with you. Cracks where darkness can creep in ... we have a chasm with one of my dear ones. I’m praying God builds a bridge to long enough to reach this kid. Thank you for your raw honesty and please know, you’ve got a friend in me. Hugs!!


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