Sunday, January 5, 2020

Y'all. Not. Equipped.

So I took Kid 3 to my hair salon to get a haircut.  Mistake #1 - as it actually has the word, SALON, in the name.  So he walked in, smelled the hair product overload and stormed out, waiting outside on the sidewalk till I basically threatened to Instagram that very tantrum to the nations right then and there.  So he gave up and trudged onward toward his doom.  Mistake #2 - I forgot that his football coach's wife works there.  So now he's afraid that his life as a tough as nails teenage athlete is over.   

And Kid 2 and I, along with my sister in law, went for a sail on White Rock Lake a couple of weeks ago.  The only boat on the water, might I add - and obviously for a very good reason.  Note that we are not technically or in any other way, good at, or even fully equipped to sail.  

And we had a great time, as the pictures reflect... accomplanied by Fireman Dave's very ecclectic Spotify playlist - but that was before we got stuck in the middle of the lake.  In the dark.  In the cold.  But the Christmas lights in the surrounding neighborhoods were quite nice - which was good as we enjoyed them for quite some time.  End of story... we ended up paddling back to the safety of the boat club where we all breathed a sigh of relief, but then had to deal with the aftermath of disappointment and the lessons that go with it.  Kids are complicated.  Just sayin. 

And I got my car stuck in the drive thru car wash because I know how to turn on the "auto hold" feature on my Hyundai... but I don't know how to turn in off.  Lots of help from the car wash staff who patiently reminded me to put the car in neutral approximately 1000 times, but not so patient support from the 5 cars behind me - waiting and smelling the yumminess of the Chick Fil A coming from nextdoor just tempting their senses right out onto the edge of Hangry Street.

And full disclosure, I pretty much said to hell with my Paleo lifestyle for an undisclosed amount of time and ate a bunch of animal crackers from the Aldi while binge watching a very scary show about a crazy online dating maniac that pretty much ensures that I will forever be on this life road alone. 

I also half choked on my chocolate calcium chew last week and was torn between fear of a slow and painful death on my beat up old kitchen tile floor, .... and all out rejoicing that I would make it to my heavenly home in time for me and Fireman Dave to have Date Day Wednesday.  I chose to drink water and live.  I wasn't dressed nearly well enough to die in that particular moment. 

But here it is... New Year 2020 ... and my declaration of truth is that I am at odds not only with myself, but with the Universe, and most  - if not just about all  - of the people in it.

And now it's the last week of Christmas break for my boys and why God thought I should or could be the last man standing to raise these three boys is beyond all comprehension.  Beyond all I can even come up with in my very detailed and dramatically bent imagination.  Because the plain and simple fact that I hear myself threatening to auction one or all of them off to the highest bidder - the milder side of my parental exhaustive state.... all the way to the echoes in my mind of words like strangle and bare hands.... secures in my belief the fact that I am not equipped for this job.  Y'all. Not. Equipped.

I write this today in response to a comment that a reader thought, assumed, that we are a perfect family.  Keep scrolling backward and forward, dear reader, as you will so quickly learn that I never even hinted at that filtered rendition of our conditions.  And sure ain't gonna start now.  

Kid 1 is in a time of learning and challenge.  Stuck between  being an adult but yet still being dependent on me.  That sort of makes for a back and forth of mixed communication and misunderstanding as we try to adjust to each other over this break.  I am happy to receive suggestions.  

Kid 2 is trying to decide what's next after high school and I totally - and I mean, TOTALLY, get it.  I remember being 18 and it mostly just involved baby oil and hot summer days.  At least that's all I remember, anyway.  The actual decisions of life never occurred to me... until much later.  So we're working on a plan that may or may not be any good at all.  Nothing like being the guinea pig for a mom trying to do things on her own for the first time in .... um, ever.  

And Kid 3 does indeed have a great haircut.  From my salon.  Maybe I'll force him to get highlights next time.  Just to keep him always humble and kind.  And forever guessing what I may or may not be capable of as a parent.  I don't actually know the answer to that, myself.   

I do know that the holidays were stupid.  I truly hope the low that I hit on Thanksgiving was indeed as low as it gets.  If you would like to, and if you believe that it has any sort of Heavenly mojo... you can pray that for me, please.  And you could share with me - here in the comments, or privately via text or email - how you've climbed up and over some of your worst moments.  

I'm starting year 2.  Year 2 of fighting for what is right for me and the boys.  Year 2 of trying to mark off each day while trying not to view it as part of my final countdown.  I can now say that I completed a full year of firsts and lasts missing my love.  And I didn't think I would ever be able to say that. 

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