Sunday, January 24, 2021

every available minute

I actually just found a draft post that I started last November - hoping to catch y'all up on a few things, but I obviously started crying or eating or whatever and never finished it.  For the record, I do not condone such behavior.   (and I have no clue why this paragraph is indented like a poem, but I can't fix it.)

So the kid update, first:  As of this writing, the gang, plus all their rowdy friends, are all still here with me at home.  And other than the mess and the non-stop wet towels and balled up socks, I actually don't know what I'll do when they all go back to non-COVID life.  Fireman Dave always said that we would probably end up with a house full of African orphans.... and my mind toys with that, actually, so very often.  I happen to know a few sweet little Ugandan friends that might like to visit Big D for a while.  

So in a few weeks, Kids 1 and 2 will take off for a college semester in Costa Rica.  Originally it was to be to both Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic, but the D.R. had Covid restrictions in place that took that one off the table.  Each of them will take a full semester load of courses, in a field based semester, where I hear there will be service projects, waterfalls, hiking and mud.  Now I'm trying to figure out how to pack them up and not feel bad about them having wet shoes and dirty laundry for 3 months.  But if they can survive a day in their nasty bathroom at home, I think they can do almost anything.  What others call black mold, we Walters call Life Preparedness.  And my sweet Kid 3 and I will have some time together that we haven't had since he was in pre-k and brothers were already in full day school.  Will he, just for old times sake, wear that cute little superhero Flash costume and eat tiny sandwiches up in a tree fort?  Y'all, he's gonna totally lose it even if he sees that I just wrote that last sentence.  

And my brother has colon cancer.  I'm actually not sure how far advanced as he's not saying and he's not seeking treatment - which I totally understand.  Our birthright turned out to be a lot of soul heavy weight - and y'all, there just comes a time when the exit door opens and it's time to walk through.  And trust that I have given that so much thought for myself.  I've never hidden the fact that after David died, I researched all the places one could go for assisted suicide.  Texas isn't one of them.  I have that info, and thankfully now, have a little bit more distance between me and those thoughts.  But I am, unapologetically, 100% Right to Die, and respectfully honor the final choice of any person who has had to live, or is currently living, a life less than optimal.  Yes, I just saw my conservative readership number drop - but y'all, this place is and will always be about truth - not hiding anything for the sake of opinion.  

And for those that have wondered about all the fuss that I stirred up with the City and, um, who else????  Can we even count them?  Here's that update:  I finally found the best lawyer in the world.  I had to kiss entirely too many frogs to find him, but y'all, I actually never minded kissing, anyway.  And I found some helpful medical people along the way... doctors who believe in the science, not the hearsay, or the archaic ways of interpreting data -  and some of the best and brightest have agreed to support me in the case.  

One of the first things I was told when I found out the cause of death was this - "It was just his time."  To which I said and say, a giant HELL NO, followed by even more well placed curse words.  It wasn't even near his time, and words like that, ... thoughts like that, based on the, God has a plan, way of thinking.... well, I've had to dig deep to find the truth in what I now know just isn't.  

And for clarification and blog preservation purposes..... Do I reject the place of God in this world?  Absolutely not.  But I have a deeper thought process of God's place than just taking my childhood Sunday School lessons at face value.   Why would a loving God assign a fair and privileged plan to Person A, but a sucky plan to Person B? Is there a heavenly lottery  - and some souls just have better luck than others?  I just can't think so.  And how anyone could think that God would intentionally assign a life plan of fullness to one, but harm to the next - that is one mean-arse God  - and isn't the one that I know.  Even as the great C. S. Lewis writes in his grief journal after the death of his wife, ... (paraphrase courtesy of me...) Why do we believe that things will be better on the other side when God has been so harsh with us here?  Received and understood, Mr. Lewis.  

But as far as the case regarding Fireman Dave goes, firefighting causes plenty of icky diseases - some more talked about than others, yes;  but that's part of why I keep going.  And I know that I'm not the Goliath in this picture, but I have two years of dedicated reading and research behind me, and science on my side.  

And no matter what side of the dang fence you are on - or even just straddling the top,  science that supports the facts is the only way to fight a fair and educated battle.  Firefighting does indeed cause cardiovascular disease;  the science is there and plentiful.  Now we just have to knock down the conservative, old school interpretation of law to let the science lead the discussion.   And I've signed up for the job.  To which I sing the chorus of an all time fave song.... "I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane."  Thank you, Waylon, for understanding the real me.   

I'm not sure why, but from the very beginning, knowing full well that I may not win this for myself, I've spent the last two years - every available minute - reading and researching and committing to putting this out there so others won't have to deal with what I've had to.  Where the science meets the scripture - that's where we can do good work.  The science teaches us the how, the scriptures teach us the why. 

And as I've had people tell me regarding that exact thing.... that they did this or that to keep from being in such a position/ to take care of their families in a crisis ... I get it.  But as Christians we are not only charged with taking care of ourselves and our own.  We are tasked with caring for others, even when it's not easy or convenient.  Maybe that's why I just got conned out of $150 by a young college kid that my kids knew a while back - who told me she needed a mini-fridge for her dorm.  Turns out the words mini-fridge are code for Hi, Mrs. Walters, I'm totally lying to you, but can I have some money anyway? 

So basically, my mind is going so many places right now.  My body is tired from having to work a physical job that was not meant for a woman of a certain age.... and I'm nervous about all that is still to come.  I hope to write more.  Looks like I only wrote four times in 2020.  Y'all, full truth - late 2018 and 2019, took my heart, but 2020 just about took the rest.   But I've had such sweet surprises along the way from caring people who genuinely show love for others.  Love and care in such a way that reaches beyond that huge, non-specific label, and right toward a family that has been, if anything, lost and wandering for longer than I had hoped.  We've made some tough choices, and some bad choices.  We've hunkered down together, and tried to figure out how to safely pull apart.  

And this is a big week around here.  The end. 

Typos and misspellings courtesy of Kristi.  


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